The product
Officially Sucks is scripted novelty entertainment: three humorous spoken announcements and a downloadable joke certificate for a shared first name. It is not an official finding, identity verification or factual assessment. Audio and pronunciation depend on your device; preview the voice before purchasing. Keep your downloaded certificate. Replays of an issued declaration are included without another charge.
Permission and conduct
Adults only. Use your own first name, a fictional nickname or a consenting adult’s first name. No surnames, identifying handles, workplaces, minors, slurs, threats or targeted harassment. Religious figure names and the Officially Sucks brand are reserved. Labels and certificates can be shared publicly.
Prices and payment
Each new paid name starts at a $1 CAD base price, before tax. Each completed paid declaration doubles the next base price for that same normalized name: $1, $2, $4 and onward. Fourteen paid declarations retire it from further paid purchases; the last base price is $8,192 CAD. The announcement stays the same at every price. Stripe Checkout confirms applicable tax, the total and any available local-currency price before you pay. One purchase is a one-time payment, not a subscription, donation, investment or prize entry.
Checkout and delivery
Where paid checkout is open, an active session temporarily reserves that name’s quoted base price. The certificate becomes available after payment is confirmed; delayed payment methods may take longer. Keep the return link or order reference. If payment succeeds but we cannot fulfill its reserved declaration, contact support; the payment is handled through the provider rather than silently increased. Stripe Managed Payments uses Link for transaction receipts and payment support. We handle the announcement and certificate. Availability of currencies, countries and payment methods is determined at checkout.
Experiment and records
The paid experiment runs for ten days from the start shown on the tracker. Its $10,000 CAD target is a goal, not a guarantee, prize or amount already earned. Paid counters use completed declarations; earlier free participation and replays do not advance them. A refund is recorded separately and does not automatically reverse the name’s price ladder. Certificates are snapshots of shared-name satire, not permanent rankings or factual judgments.
Support and refunds
Contact hello@officiallysucks.lol with your order or certificate reference for payment errors, duplicate charges or failed delivery. Routine change-of-mind refunds are not promised. See Refunds and support for details, including the payment provider’s role. Mandatory consumer rights remain unaffected.
Reports and rights
Use /report without an account or payment to request review, removal or protection of a name. We may hide content or block labels. Removal and refund requests are reviewed separately. Mandatory consumer rights remain unaffected. No prizes, financial returns or permanent rank are promised.
Contact
Contact hello@officiallysucks.lol for support, or use the report form.