Your questions.
Our legal team’s headache.

Three spoken announcements that your chosen first name sucks, plus a downloadable, shareable joke certificate and included replays. New paid names start at $1 CAD before tax. Stripe shows applicable tax, the final total and any available local-currency option before you pay. You could say it yourself. We give you something to send to the group chat.

Only a completed paid declaration advances that shared name’s next base price: $1, $2, $4, $8 and onward, in CAD before tax. Fourteen paid declarations retire a name; the last base price is $8,192 CAD. The words stay exactly the same. Replays, name checks and earlier free participation never advance the paid ladder. Dave has become an economic indicator.

To the business. Payment fees, hosting, refunds, expenses and applicable taxes come out of it. The remainder supports Officially Sucks and whatever questionable idea comes next. No trees planted. No oceans saved. A pigeon may feel encouraged, but that is unbudgeted.

That is the goal for this ten-day paid experiment, not money already earned. The tracker shows recorded paid declaration prices less refunds, excluding checkout tax and before operating costs. Earlier free participation is not paid revenue. But first, $10 would cause a frankly embarrassing amount of celebration. My family will continue calling it a phase.

Yes. Use your own first name or a fictional nickname. For someone else, keep it to a consenting adult who is in on the joke. No full names, handles, minors, slurs or identifying details. Personal growth is extra. We do not sell it.

Kevin, KEVIN and kevin share the same paid ladder. Each completed purchase doubles the next base price for that label, starting at $1 CAD before tax. Fourteen completed paid declarations retire it. Same announcements. Increasing commitment. A history of declarations, not allegations. Somewhere, an entirely innocent Kevin is having a normal lunch.

Seriously? Are you even more delusional than me? If we make $10,000 CAD in ten days, Experiment #2 is the plan: branded merch starting at $1 CAD a piece, doubling after every purchase. Same shirt. Escalating poor judgment. Apparently the founder’s delusions needed sleeves. If we miss the target, the founder is still delusional. Just less well dressed. Merch details will be announced before it launches.

We do not promise routine change-of-mind refunds. Contact hello@officiallysucks.lol with your order or certificate reference for duplicate charges, payment errors or a purchase that was not delivered. See Refunds and support for the full policy and Stripe Managed Payments’ support role. Mandatory consumer rights remain unaffected. The joke is unserious. Handling your money is not.

Submit your company, website and a poster you own. Verify a matching company email and pass human review. Approved posters queue in order, with five protected minutes each. No next approved poster? Yours stays. An ad budget of zero finally meets its target audience.

You have already thought of someone. That person. The friend who says “one more game,” then ruins everybody’s evening. The friend who corrects the restaurant bill with a spreadsheet. Or you. We are not ruling out you. Keep it welcome.

No. First name or fictional nickname only. The announcement is scripted. We say that the name sucks, three times. Two words. We have somehow built an entire department around them.

Your device supplies the speech voice. Some artwork used AI assistance. The joke is scripted, with no custom AI roasts. No blockchain. Kevin’s certificate does not need seventeen computers to agree that it exists.

No financial return, prize or useful qualification is included. You get three announcements, a certificate and included replays at the price Stripe confirms before payment. Your accountant is welcome to sigh.

Once is something you could say yourself. Twice raises questions. Three times lets us describe it on a certificate.

Yes. Replays are included, with no extra charge. Open the receipt and choose “Hear it again.” Replaying does not change the price or create another paid declaration. Your inability to let it go has excellent pricing.

No. We do not contact, email or track down anyone. You choose whether to share the certificate. Keep the joke welcome. Kevin may be peacefully assembling a sandwich. We respect that.

Names receive no royalties, prizes or payouts. Changing yours to Kevin will not help. You will simply be Kevin, but with forms.

An open checkout temporarily reserves the current price for that name. Someone else must wait or try another name. Only confirmed payment advances the ladder. If a delayed payment can no longer be fulfilled at its reserved price, it is handled through the payment provider rather than charged again or silently upgraded.

Use the voice sample before making a declaration. Pronunciation depends on your device’s available voices. Try a simple fictional nickname if needed. Our announcer has confidence. It should not be mistaken for training.

No. Your company email domain must match the website domain, ignoring www. A company.com poster needs you@company.com. “I know the owner” is not an email protocol.

No. You must verify the inbox, and a human reviews your submission and relationship to the business. Owning a lanyard is not enough. Even a very convincing lanyard.

Not automatically. Five minutes are protected. After that, the next approved poster can take over. If nobody is waiting, yours stays. The most stable relationship on this website may be between a poster and a wall.

No. It is a free, first-approved queue. Five protected minutes for each approved poster. Paying for a joke certificate does not buy an advertising spot or priority. Even if the certificate is for your boss. 😉

Submit a new poster for review. Approval covers the actual creative and website, not whatever you replace it with later. We have enough surprises. We built this business.

It creates a new one: explaining why you visited a website to say what you were already thinking. But you will have a certificate. Most of your existing problems do not come with one.

The founder pitched it to the founder. The founder had concerns. The founder overruled them. Minutes were not taken because both attendees were the founder.

Brands get visibility. We get posters. You get another thing to look at while avoiding a task. Five protected minutes, no invoice. A rare meeting where marketing and finance both leave happy.

We accept first names or fictional nicknames, not surnames, handles, workplaces or identifying clues. This is “Kevin sucks,” not a research project about Kevin from Payroll. Leave Payroll out of it. They have suffered enough.

Exactly. The records describe a shared first-name label, not an identifiable person, allegation or factual assessment. There are many Kevins. We do not have a Kevin-identification department. The staffing would be obscene.

Use “Report / removal” in the footer or open /report. Enter the name and explain the issue. Reports go to the moderation desk for review. If a name is blocked, it disappears from the board and cannot be purchased. Don’t add private details to your report unless necessary to explain the issue.

We provide a fictional, user-triggered entertainment experience - not a factual judgement about a person. You’re responsible for your submissions, permission to use them, and how you share them. Advertisers are responsible for their claims and creative rights. We may remove content or suspend use. To the extent permitted by applicable law, we disclaim liability for user-created content, third-party ads and off-site conduct; this does not exclude rights or liability that the law won’t let us exclude.

No. Same three scripted announcements at every price. The amount reflects the name’s current rung, not a custom insult or volume upgrade. You are making a more expensive point, not hiring a louder man.

The Wall records paid base-price milestones, before tax. A completed $1 CAD base-price purchase reaches the $2 next-price spot. Free declarations and replays never claim a spot. No prize. Just something strange to put in a family newsletter.

Officially Sucks issued it. That is the entire extent of its authority. It is entertainment, not an assessment or credential. Please do not attach it to a mortgage application.